Aunt Brenda, Today I Cherish YOU!

Good evening everyone....

In case you didn't know, this is the 3 month anniversary of the death of my Aunt B. I have had an incredibly difficult time dealing with her death today. I have been sitting in my office all day and I know I have had to fight off tears three or four times and I also had no choice but to let them flow a couple of times too. As I stated in my previous post, I have entered a stage of thought and rededication of myself to life.

But today....today that is rather difficult. I love and miss my Aunt more than anyone can ever know. She was much more than my Aunt...she served as my mom for many years and she was my friend. My friend. I look at the video that was made for us to show at her funeral (THANK YOU VAYDA AND LISA) and I can't help but cry...I have such fond memories of her and of times that we spent together, but at the same time, my heart is heavy with guilt...guilt over the fact that I moved away from home 7 months before she passed. I was there for her last twoo weeks of life and I was blessed to be able to hold her hand and sing to her as all of our family and friends stood around her bed (about 12 of us all together) ushering her into the presence of the Lord. I am really glad that I was able to be there...if I hadn't been able to look at her and tell her that I love her I don't know where I would be right now.

As I believe I also mentioned before, I lost a child just about two weeks before my Aunt and his memory is forever constantly etched in my mind and on my heart. My feelings regarding his death are such that I have little to no words to express them...plus this post is for my Aunt..so I will not even get into my son.

Even though it has been three months...whenever I see her face..on the video or in a picture, I still just find it unbelievable. I can't believe that she is gone. That in this life, I will never lay eyes on her again, I can't pick up the phone and call her. I can't go to the house and blast the radio while we dance around the room like children while singing Let's Stay Together by Al Green at the VERY top of our lungs! I'll never get to go over ther again and hug her with all of the love that my heart can muster and hear her tell me that she loves me and get to say it back to her. Never again do I get to look her in the eyes and hear her promise me that she was going to fight even as the life force from her body began to move out.

But I'll NEVER forget those things or the days that she would come by my house and we woud sit up until the wee hours of the morning laughing and talking. I'll never forget the days that she would cook a ton of food and have my siblings and I come and get it. I will never forget her bright and beautiful smile and her hearty and fulfilled laugh. I will never forget that she loved me nor that I love her.

SO! I say this to you Auntie, and pray that wherever you are, I hope you can hear me!

Auntie, my heart aches at every single thought of you being gone from me. I am so happy that I got the chance to hold your hand and sing the songs that you love as you transitioned from this life into rest from a painful 8 year battle with the beast called Breast Cancer. It hurts like HELL to miss you...I'm angry...at myself for not spending that last 7 months with you, I'm angry that you are gone. I know that God knows what He is doing..and I don't question that at all. I never would have wanted you to continue to suffer in the tremendous pain that I watched you suffer in. I LOVE YOU AUNTIE! I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH and I miss you like crazy! One day, I will see you again and I am gonna hold you as tight as I can because then, I will never have to let you go....Heaven has been made even more beautiful by the fact that you are now a permenant resident of it! *Though I'm missing you...i'll find a way to get through...living without you.....

*wiping tears....................................................*

A New Perspective; The beginning of the journey....

Good Afternoon All,

First, again excuse my absence from this site. Much has transpired in my life and I have to say that I have learned a great deal about the person that I am and have been over the course of my life in these last few weeks.

So...let us start a new journey together....

Isn't it amazing how many of the things that we face on a daily basis play such a large role is molding and shaping our character and our view of life? I know that there are many who say that there is no way that one can go to bed one person and wake up another. I beg to differ...now..of course not in a literal sense but certainly on a more abstract plane of thought.

Take death for instance. Regardless of what one may believe happens to their body, spirits or souls when they have ceased to exist in the realm in which we currently stand, one thing is universal. After walking through this life for whatever time was allowed us by God, it is guaranteed to come to an end one day. How do we face that? Do we stand and face it head on, do we hit the ground running towards it with a recklessness that would rival foolishness, Do we run and hide from it because of the crippling fear that the unknown can have on us or do we simply view it as a transitional phase of life?

In recent months, that is something that I have begun to explore. What is death to me? How do I feel about it and why do I feel what I feel? And most importantly...am I prepared to meet the Angel of Death with a smile knowing that I have lived my life fully, knowing that I have fulfilled the purpose that was handed to me when I left the classroom of heaven to complete on my internship on earth? Have I ever really experienced what the true nature of success is or the heights of exhilaration that true love will elevate me to? Or have I only arrived at this point in my life to look back over the days that have passed to discover that I have aimlessly wondered through my life in substantial denial of what paths I am supposed to have journeyed?

Why is death the base on which this journey has begun.....

That's easy enough to answer. It is one of two primary experiences that we all have in common and it is the one experience to which there are just as many views and fear of as their are people who have to experience it. I am a Christian woman and was raised in a Christian home. My siblings and I have always been raised to believe that death is not something that we have to fear because God will be there to take us into the afterlife with Him after this life is terminated. We are taught to see death as a transitional experience, a beginning rather than an end. That death is the purifier that will allow us to find rest and relief from the pains and stresses of this life. The fact of the matter is this....more of fear death than do not. Why? Because it represents the ultimate unknown. None of us actually knows what happens after we exhale our last breath and our body is nothing more than an empty shell. YES! We have things that we hope happen to our souls, and we know the things that we have read and things that we have been told; but none of us has had the experience of true death (not near death experiences) where we would actually be able to say what goes on in the afterlife days, months or years after the cessation of mortality.

This blog is only the beginning of my journey...follow along with me as I walk hand in hand with God to see just what He has for me.

Just a preview of what you can look forward to: I will delve into the relationships in my life (not just dating.), I will go through a series of deep and internal investigations to determine what some of my own faults are and how those things play a part in who I am today.

This is your personal invitation to see where this path ends...or begins with me!