Aunt Brenda, Today I Cherish YOU!

Good evening everyone....

In case you didn't know, this is the 3 month anniversary of the death of my Aunt B. I have had an incredibly difficult time dealing with her death today. I have been sitting in my office all day and I know I have had to fight off tears three or four times and I also had no choice but to let them flow a couple of times too. As I stated in my previous post, I have entered a stage of thought and rededication of myself to life.

But today....today that is rather difficult. I love and miss my Aunt more than anyone can ever know. She was much more than my Aunt...she served as my mom for many years and she was my friend. My friend. I look at the video that was made for us to show at her funeral (THANK YOU VAYDA AND LISA) and I can't help but cry...I have such fond memories of her and of times that we spent together, but at the same time, my heart is heavy with guilt...guilt over the fact that I moved away from home 7 months before she passed. I was there for her last twoo weeks of life and I was blessed to be able to hold her hand and sing to her as all of our family and friends stood around her bed (about 12 of us all together) ushering her into the presence of the Lord. I am really glad that I was able to be there...if I hadn't been able to look at her and tell her that I love her I don't know where I would be right now.

As I believe I also mentioned before, I lost a child just about two weeks before my Aunt and his memory is forever constantly etched in my mind and on my heart. My feelings regarding his death are such that I have little to no words to express them...plus this post is for my Aunt..so I will not even get into my son.

Even though it has been three months...whenever I see her face..on the video or in a picture, I still just find it unbelievable. I can't believe that she is gone. That in this life, I will never lay eyes on her again, I can't pick up the phone and call her. I can't go to the house and blast the radio while we dance around the room like children while singing Let's Stay Together by Al Green at the VERY top of our lungs! I'll never get to go over ther again and hug her with all of the love that my heart can muster and hear her tell me that she loves me and get to say it back to her. Never again do I get to look her in the eyes and hear her promise me that she was going to fight even as the life force from her body began to move out.

But I'll NEVER forget those things or the days that she would come by my house and we woud sit up until the wee hours of the morning laughing and talking. I'll never forget the days that she would cook a ton of food and have my siblings and I come and get it. I will never forget her bright and beautiful smile and her hearty and fulfilled laugh. I will never forget that she loved me nor that I love her.

SO! I say this to you Auntie, and pray that wherever you are, I hope you can hear me!

Auntie, my heart aches at every single thought of you being gone from me. I am so happy that I got the chance to hold your hand and sing the songs that you love as you transitioned from this life into rest from a painful 8 year battle with the beast called Breast Cancer. It hurts like HELL to miss you...I'm angry...at myself for not spending that last 7 months with you, I'm angry that you are gone. I know that God knows what He is doing..and I don't question that at all. I never would have wanted you to continue to suffer in the tremendous pain that I watched you suffer in. I LOVE YOU AUNTIE! I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH and I miss you like crazy! One day, I will see you again and I am gonna hold you as tight as I can because then, I will never have to let you go....Heaven has been made even more beautiful by the fact that you are now a permenant resident of it! *Though I'm missing you...i'll find a way to get through...living without you.....

*wiping tears....................................................*