Greetings readers and fellow bloggers....
Before I get into this blog let me first say that it is based on some things that are happening in my circle. The names of the people involved have been changed just in case someone they know reads it. If they choose to make known that it is them, that is on them. Know that several major details will be "left out" or "slightly slanted", but not to the point that you are unable to reach an ideal about it or have the ability to offer advice if that is your bag...or my request at the end.
So...here we go!
Group number one: A male friend of mine recently (two months ago) ended his relationship with his ex. However, because he was the one who did all of the caring for the ex and her kids her financial status is "tight". He has moved into his own place and is now dating someone else. But there is a great deal of strain on their relationship beause the ex is so manipulative that he is kind of caught between the world he left and the one he is trying to build. There are many details that complicate the issue, but basically that is the problem. He would never allow his new woman's ex to cloud things or make them more complicated for her and his relationship. He seems to have a crystal clear view on how things should work concerning the relationship should work with respects to their current relationship, but not on how those same potential issues are causing problems and great tension on their current relationship. What solutions would you recommend?
Group two: This next one is really just a question. What would you do...how would you handle issues that strain the relationship of you and someone that you love? (Not love as in a dating situation, but more of a familial one. A parent and child...husband and wife that are astrainged, siblings or any relationship of that type.)
Monday, November 10, 2008
Along the Road.....
Posted by The AKA with a PhD at 9:35 AM
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8 comments:
Hi Dr. Blackmon,
I feel that the he can control how his ex is acting...simply by putting his foot down and setting her in her place. I know it can be hard, especially when you are kind hearted and sensitive to others feelings but at the same time, I feel if the previous relationship is ended then both parties should move on. Sometimes you have to stand your ground for those you love, and I believe it can be done in a respectful manner.
If something or someone was causing a strain on a relationship with one who is dear to me, I would first seek God in regards of how to handle the situation, and respectfully let that something or someone go. They may be resistant at first but you have to stand your ground or else people will try to take advantage of you.
Carrie
Dr. Blackmon,
This gentleman left the relationship for a reason. He needs to completely remove himself from this relationship with the ex unless of course one of the kids is his. If he allows her to control certain aspects of his life than he will never be free from the ex and she will continue to be a huge part of his life and determine how far he can go with any future relationships.
If there is an issue that comes between me and a loved one, I will simply take it to God. I know that He will deliver me from all obstacles.
Dr. Blackmon:
It is easy for individuals to state what they would do because we are on the outside looking in. However, the best way to possible assist this person is to ask him to take a look at himself and the homefront. If all is good, then he would not let any of the issues bother him as much. On the other hand, if he still harbors feelings for the individual, then it would be hard to let for him to really let go. It all depends on how long they were really together. He can try to put her in her place, but if it was not done at the time of the break up, then it may never really come to fruition unless something happens that would really cause things to settle down.
If something was going on with someone that I really cared about, I would seek out how they would need my help. Of course I would recommend them to speak to their pastor or other spiritual guidance in order to resolve the situation the best way possible. I would not crowd that person or offer too much advice as this may cause a rift in your friendship or relationship. I would remind them that Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. Therefore, have faith in yourself that the situation would be resolved.
Mekco
Hi Dr. Blackmon,
A wise man told me that in life you must "turn the page". This man must turn the page on his life with his ex because right now, tha chapter is still wide open. His new relationship is doomed if he is still allowing this past relationship to dictate the progress and growth of the present one. Reality is that you cannot live in both the past and present and expect to make it to bright and productive future. He has to set the boundaries with his ex and then close the door. It is wonderful that he is such a stand up guy but he can't allow himself to be a doormat for this woman from the past. He needs to pray for her to change her ways and make it clear to her where they stand and if she can't respect that then she needs to be cut out of his life. This new relationship will continue to suffer if he doesn't tackle the cause of the turmoil.
As far is group two is concerned, I believe those relationships require a certain level of delicacy. The devil knows that if he can break apart the family then that is half the battle for him. That is why prayer is mandatory because if God is not in the midst of a relationship, especially family, then the open wounds that never healed will continue to cause hurt and pain. Every family has issues, big or small, but if you don't address and just repress then you won't heal and the family will remain broken. If you honor and cherish your loved ones like God asks us to then no matter what the problem you have to do the work to make it work. Now, if they don't want to so the work pray for them and tell them you forgive them and if were wrong tell them you hope that they forgive you.
Nina Lazenbury
Dr. Blackmon,
The only way this gentleman can move forward is to close the previous chapter of his life. Though he may not see its negative effects on his current relationship, it will eventually rear its ugly head and cause tension. Thus he needs to nip this in the bud as soon as possible and end it. It is not fair to his new girlfriend nor himself to keep ties with the previous woman.
Any issue that strains a relationship between two loved ones needs to be resolved with communication. I know it is easier said than done, but I feel as though it is the only solution. If you truly love them, you will want to discuss the issue no matter how difficult the topic.
Dr. Blackmon,
As far as the guy goes, he has to find a way to let go of his ex, and/or any feelings that he may still have. He should be honest with the ex, and make sure that she understands the relationship is over, and that he has moved on with his life.
If my relationship was stressed with a loved one, I would probably seek counsel from someone I trusted. Hopefully, I would then be able to go that family member and resolve the matter. However, sometimes relationships can't be repaired. Sometimes relationships happen for a reason or a season, and you have to know when that season is over.
Dr. Blackmon,
I feel he should just bite the bullet and let his ex go completely. If they have child(ren) together I know he have to be involved in some cases. Obviously she didnt make him happy or there were some problems in their relationship that was the whole point of them seperating. So if he allow his ex to come into his new relationship it is gauranteed to crumble. I feel he needs to do what makes him happy because at the end of the day you have to live YOUR life and no one can do that for you.
Hey Dr. Blackmon,
I believe that a serious conversation needs to happen between the boyfriend, girlfriend, and the ex. However, before all of that happens, the guy needs to assess what it is that he truly wants. Is there a reason that he can't let his ex go? Is there still some feelings there? If there is truly nothing left, then all parties involved need to have a sit down and the boyfriend should server all ties with the ex, if it's negatively impacting his current relationship.
In terms of family, I think that it's necessary to have stern yet loving conversations since these are relationships that need to be cultivated. Like most of other women have already said, I'd most certainly be turning to the Lord for some guidance when dealing with family matters!
Sade
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