Greetings to you ALL!,
Today I decided that I was going to ponder some of the things that I see in the world. In the people that I love, like and don't even know.
I sat around this morning just thinking about some of the people in my life and the manner of thinking with which they go through life and some of the things that we say and do one to another.
Through the course of my life, one thing that I have learned and I learned quickly is that more often than not words hurt much more and cut deeper than any physical hit ever could. Why do I bring that up? Well....that is very easy to answer...I thought about some very specific times in my life and some of the things that patients have said in sessions over the years. One thing most of us have in common...while we may have forgiven the person for saying the things that they have said but the wounds that their words left are still very much as painful as they were when they were first spoken.
Relationships...ANY KIND of relationship is based on a couple of fundamental things: trust, communication, understanding, and the ability to say I am sorry. I'm sorry...I apologize, I was wrong...that statement no matter how you word it is one of the hardest things for people to say.
There are many examples that I can give that would fully illustrate what I mean and I will give you a couple. Tell me what you think...
Example #1: When my son and Aunt passed away, I had a longtime friend tell me that I was selfish because I turned inward rather than outward to deal with my grief. I have granted forgiveness but I have never forgotten the callousness and the coldness with which she spoke. After all of the years that we have been friends, I never would have expected to hear something like that from her. When she suffered the death of someone in her life, I was right at her side, when she needed space to deal with things, I let her know that I was always still there, gave her the space she needed and embraced her when she was ready to talk or whatever. (In this scenario, I was really hurt..never angry and for a couple reasons...1 being that after all that we had been through since our college days, that she could say that to me, 2 being that even once it was discussed, she never even bothered to apologize to me, 3 being that until you have suffered the loss of a child...much less two in a year you have no idea what kind of pain that lays on you.)
I think that the first one has enough angles to it that I don't even need to give another one. Many of us do not have the kind of relationships with others that we think we would want to have because of the way we treat others, because of the attitude of "I am accomplished so I am better than you", or "I have a title so I am better" or I make more money" or I am married/have a mate so I am better" that we so readily display to others that they really don't want anything...or very little to do with us.
Humility is a quality that few of us have...and it seems to me, the more "status" or stuff that we have, the less humility we have. That stuff that we get pushes good qualities out of our lives, and it is so unfortunate that the only person who doesn't recognize the fact that there is an issue there is the one we see in the mirror everyday.
I am a firm believer in the fact that we should be able to talk to the people closest to us and say what needs to be said. I also believe that there is a WAY...a method through which we can say some of the more difficult things that need to be said without being callous, cold, selfish, careless or in a nonchalant manner. "Keeping it real" does not mean that we have to be nasty to one another. The truth (or strong opinion) can be given honestly...AND tactfully.
What is your opinion regarding the example given and the topic overall...and what do you see in this mirror....
2 comments:
Dr. Blackmon:
Very moving post. It took a while to think about what to say; if to say anything at all.
Although I have suffered many losses in life due to death and other circumstances, I've dealt with my grief differently than anyone else. I cannot fathom what you have lost as I have not lost a child.
I was taught in many "trainings" that friendship means never having to say I'm sorry or having the ability to say I'm sorry (based upon who did the training) and having the ability to own up when you're wrong about something.
This person, your friend, was most likely using this as a coping mechanism for herself as that she may have been grieving over something, someone, or having flashbacks. Saying I'm sorry would mean that she would have to acknowledge what she said and she would have to re-visit whatever was going on in her life at that time.
The childhood saying of "Words can never hurt me" is so untrue nowadays. Words do hurt just as much as physical abuse (occupational hazard) and can damage someone to their core--ie Wesley Snipes, Dennis Rodman, just to name a few.
Since you have known each other for a long time, she may be waiting on you to "call her out" about what she said or did not say. She may be waiting for you to "set her straight".
Be the true friend and let her know how you felt about the situation and that although you do not have to explain yourself to her, you have the right to grieve the best way that you know how. Remind her of her loss and how you were there for her through it all and you were expecting the same or as close to the same respect that you gave her.
Well, wood rocks....I'm getting off the soapbox now as this could go on for a while.
Also, look at this as a case study or as a patient you are treating, what would you tell that patient........
Meka
Dr. Blackmon,
I really don't know what to say. It seems that maybe your friend was grieving, as well, and wanted to grieve with you. Nonetheless, no one knows your life until they walk a mile in your shoes. Try to talk to her to let her know how you felt about what she said. Hopefully you will come to a mutual understanding of each other that will further your friendship.
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